Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
You Might Also Like
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…