I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My life in a nutshell
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.