me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
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Legend 🤣🤣
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Every work meeting this week
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes