I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Is this you?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.