When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The booster protects against what, now?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.