I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah