Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo