Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody