A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!