*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You Might Also Like
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.