Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Not all heroes wear capes….
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Follow me for more recipes
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?