Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Very good! 👍😂
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.