The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.