Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Otters see a butterfly.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving