Hey i am sexy to you now
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Risking my life for fun.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants