It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Oh my God.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted