No. He’s not coming out to play
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me driving through Toronto
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back