[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were