*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.