Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you