Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Gods work.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”