Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
You Might Also Like
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
do what now??
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?