Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation