You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.