my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Britain be like