ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”