I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in