Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I am never leaving this website
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.