My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.