My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
the noise i just made
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens