“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay