Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
X-tra spooky blend
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
thanks auntie mary
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.