I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
this is funnier than any friends episode
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.