doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will