i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?