Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”