*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.