In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?