Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault