I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Body by sandwich.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?