me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever