I camp so other people don’t have to.
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.