My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I came this close!!!!
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.