me logging onto twitter
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Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Warm pools make me nervous.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow