Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter