The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The struggle is real
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.