Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
i could never be president. im overqualified.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo