Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.