I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..