Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
You Might Also Like
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.